


Loneliness

by YKWencest



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 14:43:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9276524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YKWencest/pseuds/YKWencest
Summary: While living in Montreal, things in Sara's life start to fall apart, and she is left to reflect upon her loneliness.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everyone! Here's my first update of 2017! So I apologize that it isn't The Holler. I'm working on the chapter, but it's a bit of a slow going process at the moment. Hopefully it picks up soon. Let me know what you guys think.

Loneliness. What was loneliness? How did you define it? It could be defined in many ways, actually. Heartbreak. Sadness. Isolation. Many ways.

She was lonely. She had been lonely for quite some time. Her other half was a ways away from her, but she had done that herself, hadn’t she? She remembered moving across the country when she was younger in an effort to be one, and an effort to fix her weird and ugly heart.

Tegan cried back then. She knew Tegan cried. She watched her cry. But Sara was steadfast. They needed the distance. They weren’t kids anymore. It was time to grow up and stop pretending they were ever meant to be anything more than sisters. It was wrong, and it was gross. She told herself that to make herself feel better, but that hadn’t worked.

She thought she had it right. She thought that she was growing up. She met someone after moving out to Montreal. She met someone special. She was so happy. “No more Tegan.” her mind told her as she went home thinking about the new girl. “No more being gross.”

Emy. She worked for the band that Sara shared with Tegan. Sara loved it. She had her love with her, and she got to bring her into this thing that she was so passionate about. Tegan and Emy had some trouble getting along at first, Sara knew why, but soon the two were friends. That relieved Sara. Maybe Tegan was growing up, too.

Sara was so happy to have someone. It was everything that everyone had ever said it was. It was waking up in the morning and seeing her. It was texting her while she was just sitting around doing nothing. It was never losing her smile while she was around. It was committing to each other.

When Tegan found out, she yelled. Sara remembered that. Tegan yelled, and yelled, and yelled. Sara cried. “Why aren’t you happy for me?” she asked.

“Because you’re just lying to yourself,” Tegan told her.

Was she? She was. The nights spent recording albums while Sara and Emy were together were clear indications of such. Emy had no idea. For the longest time. Sara and Tegan fell into the routines of their past. Nights spent with bodies, similar bodies, entwined. Sara’s lover became a woman who wasn’t hers, wasn’t supposed to be hers, just like all those times when they were younger. In the morning, she would wake, and she would run. The days following would always be tumultuous. Fights between the twins would be had, and Sara would pour all of her love into what she did for Emy. Divert the attention, and make sure it doesn’t happen again. That was a motto she followed at that time.

Things were getting harder with Emy. It wasn’t Emy’s fault. It couldn’t be. She had no idea what was going on. Sara couldn’t remember when exactly she had told her, but she did. Emy needed to know. She confronted Tegan first, and begged her. “Please, Tegan. I need to tell her.”

“No, she’ll get us arrested,” Tegan replied.

“She won’t, Tee, I promise,” Sara said.

“You don’t know that,” Tegan said. “It’s too risky.”

“Please, Tegan,” Sara whispered, on the brink of tears. “I love her.”

Tegan had sighed and thought it over for some time. Sara began to believe that Tegan would just deny her again. But sure enough, she opened her mouth and spoke lowly. “Fine. You can tell her. But you make sure you tell her that you love me, too. Or I’ll tell her myself.”

“Thank you, Tegan!” Sara had said excitedly, wrapping her arms around her twin and crashing their lips together quickly. “And I will. I promise.”

Emy was too sweet for her. She was totally accepting of what Sara had with Tegan. She said things started making sense after that. Tegan’s reluctance to accept her when she and Sara first started dating, the “sister” time that Sara requested every so often. The way that the twins looked at each other when they thought no one was looking. Emy finally understood her place, and vowed to hold it firmly.

“Do you really love me?” Tegan had asked one day after Sara had revealed the nature of their relationship to Emy. “I know I made you tell her, but… That doesn’t make it true.”

“Of course I love you,” Sara had answered, wrapping one arm around Tegan. “I love you so much.”

“Then move back to Vancouver.”

“I can’t.”

Somewhere along the way things took a turn. Tegan had had someone for herself for a while, and she poured herself into that relationship. Sara was proud of her, honestly. Sara thought that maybe Tegan would always love her more than other girls. But this girl seemed to own quite a bit of Tegan’s heart. That was good, right? Wrong. Things with Emy were the hardest they had ever been. They weren’t meshing for some reason. It made no sense to Sara, and she spent most of her days trying to understand why.

“Sara… I can’t anymore,” Emy had said one night after an intense argument.

“What?”

“I can’t…” Emy had sighed. “I can’t keep letting you pretend with me.”

“I’m not pretending,” Sara had countered. “What are you talking about?”

“Tegan,” Emy replied. “I… I know she’s the one.”

They had it out after that. Yelling, mostly from Sara. “How dare you tell me what I feel?” “I love you more than anyone else in the world, Em.” “I made a commitment to be with you forever because I want to be with you forever.”

“Sara,” Emy said, taking a long pause and allowing silence to fill the room. “It’s okay.”

Lots of crying. Lots and lots of crying. Not just for that day, or those days that followed, but for a long time. Sadness flowed through Sara as she not only watched Emy move out, but watched her entire plan move on. She spent countless days and nights just wrapped up in her blankets at home. What was there for her in the outside world anymore? Not Tegan. Tegan had Lindsey. She didn’t need Sara anymore.

That’s when the loneliness set in. Sara began to feel like she was the only person in the world. She knew she wasn’t, and she knew deep down that people still cared for her. Tegan herself made so much effort to make sure Sara was okay, but Sara’s brain convinced her that she was alone.

She knew better, she did. It was a self fulfilling cycle. Sara felt lonely, so she isolated herself from others and the world, which in turn, caused her to feel lonelier. She knew it, and yet there was nothing she could do to stop herself from doing it.

*

Sara sighed as she sat in her bedroom, as she had most days for however long now. Snow was falling outside, she could see it from her window. It looked so beautiful. It made her feel genuine happiness. She picked her phone up and punched in a number. She didn’t hit send just yet, trying to work up the nerve to do so first.

“She wants to talk to you, too, Sara,” she told herself, her thumb hovering over the button.

Sara lifted her head once more and looked out the window. _She would love this right now_ , she thought. _We could have so much fun_.

Sara hit send.

The phone rang, and rang, until the voice on the other end picked up. “Hello?”

“Hey, Tegan,” Sara began, a smile breaking out on her face as she said the name. “Would you um… Would you like to come out to see me this weekend?”

“Come out to see you?” Tegan asked, surprised by her twin’s request. “Like… what do you mean see you?”

“Like when we were younger and stuff,” Sara replied. “Spend the weekend together just us and I don’t know… Maybe go out on a date or two?”

The line was quiet for a moment, and Sara was sure that Tegan was going to be like she once was and decline her invitation.

“Yeah, I’d love that!” Tegan answered enthusiastically. “I’ll take the next flight out!”

“Awesome!” Sara laughed. She wasn’t lonely after all. How could she ever be lonely when the one was right there, just a phone call away. Everything seemed to lose its shade of gray and Sara forgot why she even wanted to hide away like she had. “I’ll see you probably tomorrow-ish?”

“Yeah,” Tegan replied, a smile evident in her voice.

“Tegan?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

She wasn’t lonely.


End file.
